“Children raised with good boundaries learn that they are not only responsible for their lives, but also free to live their lives any way they choose, as long as they take responsibility for their choices. For the responsible adult, the sky is the limit.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries with Kids: When to Say Yes, How to Say No
I shared a post the other day about why we are strict. It was "My Parenting May Seem Strict, But I Have a Few Good Reasons For It" by Mike Berry. The post was shared after it had came to my attention that there are a few individuals who have mentioned that we are too "strict" of parents. Another comment that came to us was one that we are "raising little soldiers." This came as quite a shock due to the fact the individual who said it was one that I looked up to. That just shows in the end who really supports you and your parenting choices.
A disclaimer of what is "strict" if anyone is curious. In our home we expect no running through the house and to keep our feet off furniture. If you can't keep your feet off furniture after two warnings then you are off it. Our hands, feet, and mouth do not belong on other people in a harmful way. Chores need to be finished that are their assigned chores. School work needs to be completed each day when school is in session. We use our manners with please and thank you. All this we like to call "morals" and not being strict.
At this moment, I would like to give a little bit of a statement to this morning and some behaviors we have been having the last few weeks. You see, Donald and I have let up on a lot of our boundaries. We have given multiple chances throughout the day to different actions that our littles have done. In this aspect, we were taking on a peaceful parenting approach and talked it out, then sent them on their way to continue the day.
If there were behaviors, the child having them was still allowed to go to the "fun" event that was going on. Our family has been staying out past bed times and having to come home and still do chores before bed and we rise early in the morning. (We love when we visit and never want to leave or cut it short.) This makes for some tired kiddos and tired kiddos are cranky wildlings.
All of these slips are on Donald and I for trying to let the kids be a little more like neuro-typical kids and not so atypical. However, our littles are atypical. They need structure, routine, and boundaries. All kids do, except atypical children need it just a little bit more. When we are going places, surprises don't work well and just causes extra anxiety. On the other hand of that, if a certain one of them is told a head of time (like days), that is all she can think about until the event.
We have had an increase in defiance, in lying, in hands on each other (for a few of them), and just being down right disrespectful. Some of that disrespect has spilled over to our close friends and family from a certain little man of ours (normally he wouldn't dream of that).
What has changed? Loose structure and too many chances. Not to mention saying they can't go and then letting them. We have to stay home or one of us does to follow through. If we are lucky we could find a sitter on a last minute notice. This is such a fine line to walk and not step on the landmines that can set off a series of meltdowns. Sometimes you hold your breathe to not wake the sleeping lion that is inside of them.
Today, I had those big meltdowns from one of our little guys. He was upset that he couldn't go to the beach. This was decided after multiple different behaviors that couldn't be over looked. Examples hands on siblings three times before 10 am and leaving the house without permission to go outside after he was told to stay inside. (We own a farm and need to know where our impulsive children are for their safety and the safety of others and property.)
He was sent to his room to calm down due to the fact that once he is in that state of mind he doesn't come out of his meltdown until he is ready and no amount of consoling will help him. His room is the safe place for him and we keep it as such. When he calms down he comes up and we have a discussion on the actions and the decision. If we are lucky, it ends with understanding. If not we go right back to step one and repeat the procedure that is in place for him. This is grueling and hard. He isn't able to regulate his emotions like most people and these moments can cycle over a few times until he gets to his baseline. (Again atypical children) On this day that total was five times.
Once he was at his baseline we were able to talk without him melting back down again. He understood what he had done wrong and why he couldn't go. I explained that he would be dropped off to his Dad on our way through to the event with one of his sisters and brother. (Yup! It was that kind of day. I would post theirs, too. However, you most likely have things to do.)
Little man tried to say what he did wasn't as big as what his sister did a couple of weeks previous. I explained to him that she didn't go to the event that night either. Plus we don't compare actions. In life that isn't something you can do. As parents, we don't want them thinking that they can weigh the choices others make that are not right to their own poor choices.
All five of our little ones have some specials needs that take a toll on their young lives. We work really hard to teach them the skills that they will need to be successful adults that we know they are capable of being. The fact they are atypical does not define who they are as an individual. Each is so much more. They are sweet, kind, loving, smart, creative, adventurous, helpful, and spirited. Each one along with our bigs are our world.
Currently we are working on more evaluations to get to the root of what is going on with our young ones. After answers are found (or confirmed to our suspicions) then we can get the services that they need. It is just a long road to get there. If you are a parent who struggles, know you are not alone. I am here for you. If you are a "strict" parent and have set boundaries, keep it up. You are doing just fine. In the end our children will thank us for it. Keep on parenting. It is the toughest job ever but the pay rate is one that is priceless.